Company Party Rules

For the last time: that little pastry hors d’oeuvre being passed around on a tray? It’s stuffed with cheese and mushroom. You’ve been going to the same company holiday party for the past seven years and it’s always been cheese and mushroom. Stop asking. And remember — The company holiday party is not the moment to try Jagermeister or walking on your hands for the first time. Plus

If your company’s holiday party is taking place in a swanky penthouse with piles of lobster, expensive champagne, trapeze artists and Coldplay performing live on stage, immediately run back to the office and clear out your desk, because your company is declaring bankruptcy tomorrow.

Counting calories? Here’s an easy office-party diet tip. Before going to the party, drink one glass of water and eat a banana and a handful of raw almonds. It will fill your stomach, and you will only wind up eating 94 crab cakes, 47 mini egg rolls, 54 nachos, 18 ounces of cheese, a leg of lamb, 11 brownies and four ice cream sandwiches—plus a glass of water, a banana and a handful of raw almonds.

If you work in a company with an art department, just know the people in the art department have more fun than anybody. They have expensive haircuts and cooler shoes, and after the company party, they’re going to a better party, and you’re absolutely not invited.

Dancing at the office holiday party is a bold move—though not as bold as dancingby yourself at the office holiday party.

Whoa, you just went to the buffet table and made a sandwich out of two gingerbread cookies and six slices of roast beef. Nice job.

If you’re showing co-workers videos of your cat on your iPhone, it’s time to hail a cab home, just make sure it is your CAT and it is YOUR iPhone.

There’s always someone who tells you all week they’re going to “take it easy and drink only water” at this year’s holiday party. At 9:15 p.m., you will look over, and this person will be passed out atop a giant pile of winter coats.

If you come to work the next morning and discover you have 153 messages on your voice mail and a note from human resources: Just go to Starbucks and hide until New Year’s Day.

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